My Heart is Broken…

photoI got through Election Night alright, though it was hard to fall asleep. Yesterday I was alright, breathing….remaining present. A few shaky moments watching and listening to Hillary’s gracious and heartbreaking concession speech.

One that we never should have had to hear, one she should never have had to give. This amazing woman has endured 30 years of slime from the other side of the political spectrum. Accused of everything from treason to murder, all based on no evidence, but mountains of innuendo and daily doses of out-of-context factoids. The ratings-addicted media happily complied and ran away with the click bait. Making mountains out of grains of sand.

She never quit, never gave up. One foot in front of the other, she rocked on.

I am not angry. I am heartbroken.

This morning I am seeing pictures of Melania Trump posing in “Sex-Kitty” photos on social media. All posted by men. Angry men. Angry at her husband, but they demeaned her.

They won’t recognize their misogyny in this, being Hillary supporters and ‘progressive’ liberals. I’m sitting here with tears running down my face, at how deeply these men don’t get it—though they are as blown away as I am that our country just elected the most unqualified, dishonest, boorish, vulgar con-man to the highest office in our land.

Our new President smiled as his crowds chanted “Lock her up!” —though Hillary has been neither indicted nor convicted of anything. Fear is irrational like that. And hysterical.

And he won. Without a coherent plan to govern. Against a woman so qualified that no male candidate in the history of our country has ever matched. But the least qualified of any candidate in the history of our country  ran off with it.


My heart is broken. Nothing like Hillary’s, I know. I could not have done what she did. That speech. That incredible grace. I am a bucket of tears. She is my hero.

It’s Personal

I was in geology school in the 1990s—when she was FLOTUS. Most of the students were men, a fact that is happily not the case anymore in geology. In perhaps the hardest of all the undergraduate geology courses, I had made the highest grade in the class on an assignment. The instructor sneered to the guys: “How does it feel to be beat by a girl?”

Wow. Thanks.

And then there was the class where the male instructor stopped his lecture and said, “Some people will do anything for an A.” I was sitting in the front row and had just taken off my sweater, because, of all things, I was too warm. OF COURSE I had a shirt on underneath.

It wasn’t working really hard that earned me an A. It was stripping?

Both these men became friends. I forgave them. It was a ‘joke’.

Just like when the Department Chair at a university where I taught geology called me “Our bitch.” I was the only female in the department. Or when he made obscene gestures at me as if he were masturbating.

He lost the department chair position over it. At least there was that. But I was driven off by him before that happened. He is a fine man, otherwise. All the right politics. Adores his wife, his child. But he doesn’t get it.

It was a joke, he said.

It’s NOT a Joke

I truly believe that the main reason why Hillary lost is fear. Not hatred…but fear. Men don’t want women telling them what to do, being smarter, taller, richer… At some level, it’s not their fault, that notion has been there since they were babies. It may even be a biological thing brought about by the strong impulse that men feel to provide and protect.

How can he do that if I am stronger, taller, smarter, richer? Men: You too must find your way. I will help; I am at least your sister and we are on this trail together.

I am planning to do nothing more or less than I always have—to live my life as the woman that I am… while the GOP drives their bigoted, woman-fearing train off a cliff.

They own it all now. I comforted myself on election night as I tried to fall asleep —that sometimes you just have to let the insanity they insist on play all the way out. It’ll happen faster with them controlling it all. Maybe. Hopefully.

It’s really big … this alt-right angry white/european male’s angst over non-white males and strong women. Not all men suffer from this. But enough do, and we got the worst of them for President.

I don’t know how we will get through this, but I know we will. I will not hate anyone. I love Hillary Clinton. She is my big sister. She inspires me to keep on keeping on. She is me.

Today, tears are streaming down my face. I am heartbroken. For Hillary, for myself, for all the brave women who endure the jokes, the locker room talk, the sexual assaults, the insults, the losing to men who don’t hold a candle to us.

Tomorrow, I will gird up my pantyhose and rock on down the road. Just like I always do. Just like Hillary does. I am #WithHerForever.

But today…I am heartbroken.


4 thoughts on “My Heart is Broken…

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